I sit there amidst all the foods, music, and dancing. I'm not exactly sure what just happened. It seems to good to be true. I pinch myself awake, and ouch it hurts. So is this all real?
Earlier today, I was sitting by the pavement, staring down at my muddy hands and feet. The sun was shining too brightly above my head, but it seemed that I couldn't care less. A couple of birds were chirping loudly, flying and hopping to the trees around. But, I was sure that my stomach growled so loud, that even the two birds flew away. Man, I was THAT hungry. I rubbed my used-to-be-round tummy, telling it to hush a bit. But my head couldn't deny it. I was too hungry. And i literally could eat anything and drink anything I could find, just to fill this tummy.
It occurred to me. Had i made a wrong choice? Would my life be much better still if I had not utter to daddy that four dreadful words: Give Me My Share. Right after, I told myself it was the best decision I could ever make in my life. It was like living the dream, to have friends around at all times, and to be able to get anything, simply anything. It made me look and feel rich.
But it did not last long. Soon after, those "friends" left me alone. Where were they!! Those scornful empty promises, gahh it even hurt my head to think about them. Apparently, they were never my "friends" to begin with. After I lost everything, I did try to come and beg them for money. I never thought I would kneel and beg, but i did. But guess what they did? They gave me nothing but a disgusted "I-dont-know-you,-get-out-now" look. Sheesh.
Well, the birds had flown back on the trees now. I saw them happy all year round, living a carefree life yet still all so well. I would work all night just to get half of that bird's happiness! Oh wait, that kind of happiness sounds familiar -- in that place I used to call home.
BUT NO!! i couldn't even imagine myself going back. Those four words that I have uttered to my father, i couldn't possibly take them back. There's no way my father could even allow me to step into the gates. Maybe he would send his guards and his slaves to kick me out first. Will he even want to look at me? or will he treat me just like those friends?
Sigh. I can try. It's like i've got nothing to lose anyway. If my father reject me, then well, I could just.... reject my life. Okay come, brain, think of something to say to daddy. "Draft 1: Hi Dad. You remember me?" oh no, it sounded too much like a pen pal letter. "Draft 2: Dear Mr..." Cannot, cannot. I can't take it that way. "Draft 44: Dad, i'm hungry *show tummy*. Spare me some food?" What's wrong with my brain!! Wait, I wasn't even worth coming in anymore as a son right. What if... I came to be his servant. Yea, i think that will do. Just consider me as a hired servant, at least his hired servants are fat and happy. Silly me, why didn't i think of that earlier. "Draft 45: Dear Father, I have sinned against you, and against the heaven. I can't even be called yours anymore. Hire me as your servants." Alright, that sounds fair.
So, I got up and could hear my bones cracking after sitting on the pavements for too long. I didn't even remember when was the last time I got up. I tried to tidy up this messy hair and straighten up as much as possible the crumpled rags I was wearing. I couldn't even look fashionable nor sharp for the least bit, but at least it must looked like i was up and ready for the job, right. Then, I head towards what used to be my home address, maybe I should get used to calling it a workplace. It was quite a distance to walk, and with every step I took, I could feel my flimsy body to be trembling. I blamed it all on the hunger and the sun, but I felt a pang inside my chest. It was a feeling of fear and uneasiness. Can I even see my dad's face again? Will I be able to look into his eyes? Will he even go to slap me on this used-to-be chubby cheeks? Should i even continue to walk there? I paused for a while, took a deep breath, and told myself "just walk." So, I walked further. I was quite amazed at myself for even remembering the directions all so well still.
Turn left, turn left again, go up the hill, then turn right. Yeah, almost there. I can see my house sitting beautifully up that hill. After I tried to walk a few more steps, I began to notice a figure facing my direction from afar. He seemed to be looking out for something, *shrugs* maybe dad just lost one of his pet cats or something. "Don't bother, focus on the goal," I kept on telling myself. Then, I see a familiar silhouette running towards me. Never before have I seen my father run before. I glinted to see his face, determining if i should run the other way. But no, there wasn't even a face of anger in him. I got a quick glimpse of his smile, wider than ever.
The next thing I know, it was dad who stretched his arms wide open, embraced me so tight and kissed me like never before. And there i was, standing awkwardly stiff, and not to mention, smelly. After I came to my senses and realized what happen, I quickly pulled myself away. I fell on my feet, I didn't dare to lift my head up to look at him. I'd rather see his knees on my eye level. I tried to utter my well-rehearsed Draft 45 speech in my shaky voice. "Dear Father, I have sinned against you, and against the heaven. I can't even be called yours anymore. Hire me as your serv..." I felt him lifting me up as he put his finger on my lips. He didn't let me finish my sentences, and instead interrupted mine with his. At this point, I started sobbing.
As daddy was wiping my tears, I can see His eyes for me. These were the eyes that speak volumes of love, that said "No, it's okay. Now, welcome home." He told his servants to bring out all the best celebration for me. He gave me a robe over this filthy rags, he restored a ring that I used to have as I was still his son before. And he told his servants to put on sandals on my calloused feet. I had truly forgotten how comfortable it was to wear a pair of sandals, after such a long journey. Best of all, Daddy told his servants to also kill the fatted calf. FOOD! the very thing that drew me to my daddy's house, indeed he give that to me. but he didn't only give me just that, he gave me all that I needed, even those that I didn't realize I need them.
So yeah, that's what just happened today. As I sit there at a party done just for me, I couldn't help but think, what have I done to receive this. Or what can I ever do to repay my father for everything i had done to him. I realize there is only one answer to both questions, and the answer was "nothing." It's simply out of the father's love that he rejoiced on my coming. Knowing this, will I ever runaway from home to think that there will be a welcome-back feast anyway? No! my heart couldn't afford to think of breaking Daddy's heart yet again. I felt warm and fuzzy knowing that here in my Daddy's house, there is acceptance, there is forgiveness. I can just be who I am, and enjoy being his child regardless of my mistakes.
Now I know how much he loves me, why would I ever think of doing anything that stupid ever again? To think that he ran towards me just to hug me and to lavish me with love, even when I was at my worst point and had done not a single thing right; why would i ever run away from him again?
This video has blessed me yet time and time again: